1.3

 

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It was still hot out.

Southern Ontario in the last couple weeks of June. With no air conditioning. I’d woken up feeling like I would much rather have been dead and then immediately took a cold shower. That had been dumb. Because it was only seven and now I was wide awake on a Saturday morning and because everything felt even worse when I got out.

Now, I was messaging our group chat to see who was up. Instant and angry response from Shannon.

Go back to sleep you asshole. You woke me up

I was fairly certain she still slept with her ringer on. She didn’t like to miss calls or messages. Hadn’t thought of that before I hit send. Oops.

P: Sorry

 Couldn’t sleep

Was hot and thinking

Had a cold shower and now I’m really awake

S: I can tell

Stop messaging now so I can sleep in peace

My stomach growled. I put my phone down and look around. Still had my snack from last night on my desk. Stale untouched cheese. Unopened saltine crackers. One of those was edible. I wasn’t much in the mood for something that sad though.

And I was also comfortable now. The shower had dropped my temperature and it was currently rising to meet the heat of my room. But the fan I had facing my bed was catching my damp skin and hair and my pillows and crumpled blankets were feeling more like a nest than a cocoon. I ignored the commands my stomach was giving me and curled up further, phone a few inches from my nose.

It was twenty or thirty really useless minutes of scrolling. I’d been doing that a lot. Twitter or Reddit or Instagram. I used to listen to things while I scrolled with a purpose. I’d always eventually find something to use as a reference or that inspired me. Then I’d get my supplies and pick something especially long for background noise and get to work.

Now it was just pointless. I’d see a lot of things that pulled at my brain in the right way. But sometimes it wasn’t a strong enough pull now. And the other times, I’d stop and consider and stare at the picture or post that gave me an idea and just get a vague no feeling as an answer back from my brain.

But at least it was quiet. My dad was like me. Naturally up late and awake late. Didn’t hear footsteps going through the kitchen or the hall. Wasn’t worried to hear a knock followed by sitting and listening to him in my doorway. Or hearing him yell at his laptop because something wasn’t working right. I usually just turned the volume of whatever was in my ears way up then. Nate wasn’t here to help him or say anything about it, so that was all I had.

I’d broken whatever spell my phone had on me by taking my concentration away from the screen. I didn’t want to keep scrolling. So I got out of bed and pushed through my dressers drawers and eventually just threw a baggy white t-shirt and some jean shorts on my bed. I had things that probably looked a lot better than that but I couldn’t bring myself to care in that moment.

After dropping the clothes I’d slept in on the floor, I gave myself a quick smell and figured I was okay without a shower for now and put my outfit on. I tucked the shirt in to the waistband and decided that I was fine without looking into anything reflective.

I was quiet with my bedroom door and quiet on the stairs and quiet with the front door. None of them slammed or gave a noisy creak as I used them. All I had was my keys and my phone and my earbuds. All of which kind of fit into the stupid fucking women’s pockets on my shorts. If I had the figure to wear guy stuff, I would. My wallet had nothing useful but my debit card, and I made it very clear to myself I had nothing on that yesterday. Shannon never ate all her toast when we got breakfast anyways.

It was quarter to eight when the sole of my foot hit the outside world. I could take a walk for fifteen minutes. The library had air conditioning and internet but it was more than a fifteen minute walk. And also definitely closed. Maybe.

I’d be knocking on Shannon’s door at eight. The world was going to bend to my will today. I demanded it. If she’d went to bed late, sucks for her. I needed to talk about this. And to eat.

Shannon’s place wasn’t even a ten minute walk away. So I dawdled. Walked slower than I would usually. Kicked at stones and took a bit of a weird route. There was a tabby cat roaming a driveway a few houses down, so I took some time with that. Not a lot, though. I didn’t need someone yelling at me for crouching beside their car.

The only reason I could confidently walk up to the door and knock was because I knew her mom and dad’s schedule very well. A plethora of weekend sleepovers behind us and no change in jobs for them. Her dad worked a mostly normal schedule. Occasionally days of going in early or staying late. Her mom woke up at six, though. And didn’t tend to sleep that much later when she could.

Her mom answered the door. She looked like she had coffee in her already and was only a little surprised. She changed her reaction quickly enough.

“Did Shannon invite you for breakfast without telling us?” she asked. It was playful. I don’t think Shannon had ever forgotten much in her life.

“The three of us are getting breakfast. I decided she’s slept enough. She doesn’t know that yet.”

“Ah, yes, there was something like that mentioned last night.” She stepped aside and herded me in with a flap of her hand. She closed the door behind us once I was in. Air conditioning. Maybe we should have breakfast here.

“What did you three get up to in,” She thought for a minute,” Not even an hour, if I’m remembering right? Shannon came in and went straight to her room. No talks or real hello’s like she usually gives. Her little debriefings about her day.”

Ah shit. I hadn’t thought of an answer to that question. My dad had been too worried about the dinner I didn’t end up eating to ask me about it. And I also hadn’t acted particularly abnormal. I don’t think.

“I forgot Shannon isn’t a hiker like me and Ellie. We all ended up walking around town. Talking. None of us had water.” A stupid lie. Bit awkward. It had happened before though. Not in a few years, so embarrassing for Shannon. Sorry.

“Ah, that’ll do it. Hope she didn’t get a sunburn.” She frowned deeply for a moment. Worried over it in her head. I could see the situation playing out. Just like her daughter. I was silent while she thought about it. She finally pulled out of her head and remembered me after a few seconds.

“Go on up and try to wake her, if you can. Check for that sunburn first before you jostle her.” She smiled at me. I flashed her one back. Hated that. Didn’t feel like it reached my eyes. Felt so fake.

So I made my way up the stairs, avoiding the creaks I knew were there. It had been a while but everything felt so suddenly and immediately familiar. The big square landing and the off-white walls and the big bathroom just across from the top of the stairs. The thing hanging next to it I’d only describe as a tapestry. The bookshelf on the wall beside Shannon’s room with all the books no one in the family read on it.

And her door. She’d actually taken some stuff off it from when I’d last been here. Her locker was completely bare. No pasted art or cut-outs or even doodles with pencil. Really clean. So you wouldn’t expect the organized mess of all the little things on her bedroom door. Magazine covers she liked and doodles I had drawn in her notebooks and pictures we had taken all sat a bit askew, purposefully chaotic in the way that some guy’s hair is messy in teen movies. Attractively messy.

Inside, her warm white walls and shelves and light wood desk and paintings that added a splash of colour. And her queen-sized bed that could fit two of us comfortably. It was a bit of a squeeze in the other two beds. But we managed it. One person was always on the floor. That was the rule. Didn’t matter whose house it was, we’d always keep the turn order going. Just because it was your bed doesn’t mean you got to sleep in it.

She woke up as soon as I opened the door. Eyed me warily from under bedhead and blankets.

“I hate you.” She said. She didn’t throw the blankets over her head or try to hide under a pillow. We had played this game many times, all three of us.

“Told your mom you basically got heatstroke. Me and Ellie walked you around Atwood too much yesterday gossiping.”

“Good. Now I don’t have to have that conversation. Pass those.” She pointed at a vague spot and it took me a couple seconds to really see the bundle of clothes. I picked them up. Pajama shorts and a matching t-shirt. She threw the covers back and revealed the very much not matching underwear and sports bra.

“Thanks.” She said groggily. Trying to speak and catch the wad of cloth and stay awake at the same time.

‘Did you tell my mom we’re getting breakfast?”

“Mhmm.”

“I may have to make her not come then, she likes the Ruddy Gull a lot.” Her voice was a bit muffled as she pulled the shirt over her head.

“Oops.”

“It’s fine. I’ll promise to bring her something and she’ll grumpily accept. We’ll just have to come back here first before anything else.”

“We told Lady we’d meet her at three thirty. Think we got time.” She grunted at that. Looked a bit grumpy about it. Maybe she was hoping that had all been a dream and the breakfast plans were just for fun.

“Text Ellie and try to wake her up like you did me. Someone else can suffer too.” She pulled the shorts on and looked down at a pair of slippers. Decided against it. She left the door open. Her room was spotless, so I don’t think it mattered either way. Even when we were young it had been like that. We’d play and throw pillows and take the dolls and the toys and the game consoles out and then she’d make us both help her clean it up when we were done. She’d had less of a filter back then. I distinctly remember the first curse word I’d ever said being used to call her a bitch when we were nine or ten.

I followed her instructions. My phone was connected to the Wi-Fi automatically and there was no notifications from the group chat. A couple from Twitter, a couple from Reddit, but nothing from Ellie. I pulled up my texts.

                Shannon wants you up

                I had the audacity to wake the dragon from her slumber early so she wants you to suffer with her

No response. I waited and stared at the screen for a minute. I could hear Shannon running the tap and getting her toothbrush across the hall.

Still nothing

                Hey

                Hey

                Hey

                Shannon will make us walk over to your house

                She won’t be nice about it

                Hey

                Hey

Hi

I’m awake now

You’re still at her house

                Yep

Okay

Give me ten minutes

I’ll be quick

I walked out of Shannon’s room and stood in the bathroom door. It was medium sized. Bigger than mine. Had a nice tub for lounging and a huge showerhead with a bunch of settings.  

“She says she’ll try to be quick. Ten minutes.”

“She’s probably gonna run here and be all sweaty when she comes in. Such a dork.”

“I threatened her. Said you’d make us walk to her house.” Shannon tilted her head and widened her eyes at that in an accepting gesture. She agreed.

She finished up in the bathroom and then immediately went back into her room. She took a few minutes to pull out and put back clothes while I sat on the bed and watched and scrolled on my phone. She’d hold something in my direction every thirty seconds and I’d give an opinion she usually ignored. Eventually she settled on a white tank-top and yellow skirt that sat just above her knees. She pulled some ankle socks on and we were off.

“You take too long.” I put my phone back in my pocket as I said it.

“I’m not putting on makeup for another hike through the woods so I want to look mostly cute at breakfast still.” I shrugged at her and accepted the point. At least I hadn’t had to sit through her putting makeup on. She definitely would have made me help with the eyeliner. I had steadier hands. And the ability to make it symmetrical at least seven out of ten times.

“Oh! I would have gotten dressed if you’d told me you’d be this fast.” Her mom said as we came into the kitchen.

“Can I convince you not to come with us just this one single time?” Shannon asked.

Her mom deflated a bit, mostly on purpose and very dramatically, and Shannon put her hands together in front of her chest and tilted her head a bit. Her mom began to pout a little.

“Promise to buy you something and bring it home mostly-fresh.” Her mom ruminated on this for a few seconds. Still in the same sad position.

“We’ve got to talk about some stuff just us three.” Her mom straightened a bit.

“Fine. You have a deal. I’d like the smores French toast then. My treat today, for acting as my delivery girls.”

We followed her to the front door. She grabbed her wallet from a purse hanging above the wood rack of shoes and presented a fifty to Shannon. Then immediately pulled out another ten and put it in Shannon’s hand.

“Get your dad some eggs and sausage. He’ll be very unhappy if we leave him out of this.”

“Okay. Thank you, love you.” This was said as we were exiting the door. The heat blasted us as we did. Shannon flinched a bit beside me.

“You and Ellie are invited for dinner, Pandora, anytime. Not just tonight. I feel like I haven’t seen either of you in ages.” She was saying this from the doorway now.

“Okay. I’ll let her know as well. See what we can do.” I said back. Waved at her a bit. She smiled and waved back and closed the door. Just us. In the scorching heat. Fuck it was hot.

“Things seem okay.” I said once we had taken another minute or so of steps. We stopped at the nearby intersection. Waited to see Ellie running down the other road.

“Yeah.” She didn’t say it begrudgingly or sadly or with a sigh. Just stated it. “I can tell they want to know more. Even when I said we needed to talk about things, just us three, my mom wanted to ask. But Dr. Obando told them that was the opposite of what they should do after the exam. They wanna overcompensate but they can’t, so it feels like they’re walking on ice around me.”

“They’re asking. At least.” Great response. If this was anyone else I wouldn’t have broached the subject or even been having this conversation. I was so bad at this. Knowing what to say to important, real life things. But Shannon had been subject to my whatever with my dad and Ellie’s coming out and everything about that. She’d had a meltdown and hid everything before it well enough we hadn’t even noticed. So I had to ask.

“They treat me like I’m gonna start crying again at any random question. Fucking hate it. I was able to do my own thing and deal with whatever I needed to without people treating me like a child before this.” She’d crossed her arms again at the start of the sentence. Now she was leaning her right elbow on her left hand and what I thought was chewing her nails until I looked closer. She was picking at the skin beside them with her teeth.

“Hey.” I said. Gave her a little slap on the hand. She blinked and looked down.

“Oops. Shit.” She tucked her hands into the pockets of the skirt. Took a deep breath.

And then we saw Ellie running up the road finally. Good form, like always. She wasn’t even breathing that heavy while the air felt like stew around me. She slowed down as she got closer and then stopped in front of us.

“Hi.” She was panting lightly. Wearing something very similar to yesterday. Forest green shorts and a white athletic-wear t-shirt, with the sleek lining and material that absorbed moisture and all that. Hair up in a bun with a few loose strands from the activity.

“All of us wearing white tops. Matching clothes is a crime, at least one of us has to go home and change.” Shannon said. Ellie looked down. So did I. Ellie rested her hands on her knees and stuck her tongue out at Shannon.

“My mum gave me ten dollars.” Ellie said. Shannon waved her away before she even finished the sentence.

“My mum gave me sixty because she wants us to grab breakfast for her and my dad, so it’s cool. We just can’t take too long now.” With that, we drudged off into the heat for the ten minutes of hell until we got to the Gull.

 

“I’ll have old-fashioned oatmeal please, with a coffee.” Shannon said. There was the usual moment where me and Ellie both floundered for who would go next. She looked intently at me and then back at the menu.

“I’ll have the breakfast poutine and an orange juice. Please.” I said. Ellie bit her lip for another second or two.

“Can I get the breakfast burrito please?” She said.

“Anything to drink?” The waitress, Amy, asked. She knew us by name. Everyone in Atwood’s important spots knew everyone, apparently. We’d come here a lot since our parents let us walk around unsupervised. She was one of the only two servers who worked here. The other, Leia, got here a couple hours after Amy on the weekends.

“Oh. No, water’s fine, thank you.” Ellie said while folding the menu up and fumbling with it a bit. Former really good addition to the swim and track teams and she still had the ability to fudge anything with her hands.

Amy took our menus and gave us a nice smile and left. We were silent for a few seconds. We were all gulping down water. Shannon set her glass down first and wiped her mouth with a napkin.

“I need you two to genuinely convince me that this is a great idea. So great it completely blows apart my hesitation.” Me and Ellie looked at each other after this. I was still chugging water. I motioned to her. She pulled her eyebrows together and looked at me angrily.

“I don’t know. I said my thing yesterday about how we can use this to help people and I stand by that. I don’t- I don’t know what else to say besides that.” She bit her lip again. And looked at both of us.

Then she placed her hands on the table and put them together into one big ball of fingers. She went to speak right as Shannon opened her mouth to respond. Ellie clammed up a bit. Shannon restarted her sentence.

“Okay, that’s really good. And I’m not being a bitch and making fun of you for wanting that. But this isn’t, fucking, Sailor Moon. Lady stated specifically she wanted us to fight. We’re being given power and we have to fight, and it doesn’t sound like something from an anime where we throw cards down or use magic that only knocks down the people it hits. I care about these other people trapped in these places, but I want to live to get my medical degree and become a doctor. Get married or whatever I’m going to do.”

Me and Ellie were both sipping water. After a few seconds of quiet, Amy came back with our drinks.

“Sorry for the small wait girls, coffee machine was acting up.” We all thanked her and pulled our drinks in front of us.

“Food’ll be ready in a few.” She gave us another smile and left to seat some people just walking in.

“I just- I feel like this is something we can do that’s good. You’re going to become an awesome doctor and help a bunch of people, but I don’t even know what I’m going to do in the next few years. Maybe this is something I can do right now that can be helpful.” Ellie said. She took a sip of the second water Amy had brought her. Mine was still half full. The downsides of running in thirty degree weather.

“You’ve been quiet this whole time. Even last night, afterwards, after we set this meeting. Which means you’re thinking hard about it.” Shannon said to me. I opened and closed my mouth a few times.

“I think Ellie’s right. You have this direction you’re going. It’s set in stone. But I don’t feel like that. This town and school and my dad feel like they’re drowning me. This is something that isn’t all that.”

“You make it sound like a vacation. That’s literally what I’m telling you that I’m worried about.”

“Fuck. No. That’s not what I meant.” I wrapped my hands around the glass of orange juice and played with the moisture on it.

“You want to become a doctor because you can help people. And you want to push for more women in science stuff and sociopaths are also highly represented in the medical field or whatever so you being there makes sense.” Shannon rolled her eyes in a loving way at that and Ellie smiled. “But I know it’s also something that gets you out of here. It gets you away from your parents and this fucking town that has nothing to do in it but fuck and do drugs eventually. You have a drive. We don’t. This can be our thing.”

Ellie nodded a little at that and looked around at both of us. Shannon stared at me. I looked away from that almost unconsciously. Too much eye contact. She wouldn’t be offended. When my eyes skirted back up to her face she was staring at her mug of coffee.

“This isn’t you being dramatic? This is how much you want this?” She asked. She eyed us both over the steam of her coffee. Ellie didn’t say anything.

“Yes.” I responded strongly. Why did she have to phrase it like that? Hated it.

“You just press go and you’re off, Pandora. Even with homework and your art, it’s a quick-ass decision for you. ‘No, I’m not doing this,’ or, ‘Yes, this is what I’m drawing, no further planning needed.’ If we could recall the last whatever amount of years with perfect memory, that’s probably been the source of ninety percent of the fights we’ve had.” I was silent for a few seconds after that. Stewing, a bit. Kind of pissed me off. I don’t think I showed it too much on my face. I’d gotten good at that.

“We all had last night to think about it. My mind hasn’t changed.”

“It’s also really fucking hard to change your mind. I’ve maybe done it five times in ten years.”

Shannon, debate queen. We didn’t have a team at our school. If we had, I’m sure she would have made a slot in her busy schedule to lead it. Just so she could hone her skills even further for these moments.

“And here we are.” Amy said. She was coming up with two plates in hand. Mine and Shannon’s. She placed both down and told Ellie hers would be here in a second. We waited for that and sipped at our drinks.

I was trying to follow the line of this whole situation in my head as we drank. I was getting angry and I hated that Shannon was probably right and I didn’t realize it at first. I didn’t know how to phrase it. Because I didn’t want that overdramatic accusation again. Not from her especially. Ellie and her were the only ones who fucking listened even though I stumbled with my words and couldn’t explain anything to do with me properly.

But that was the problem here. I wanted this. Something really deep in me was aching to somehow make Shannon just say yes. But I couldn’t find a way to say this that wasn’t whiny or stupid. She always sounded measured and mature and I couldn’t do that.

Amy brought Ellie’s burrito over. Ellie thanked her as she left. Another smile. We all took a few bites. None of us really dug in even though I knew I was starving. The talking was going to start up again so why bother.

“I can’t-“ I stopped. Fuck. Think before you speak. Hated that my brain immediately went to that. It’d been the mantra of my childhood. Think before you whatever. Nate hadn’t gotten it nearly as much as me.

“I want to do this. Your reason makes sense. Everything you said makes sense. So if you can’t do this then I won’t be mad at you or whatever. But I want this.” I’d stopped myself from say need instead. Overdramatic. I’d been hearing that a lot recently as well. Another mantra.

Shannon looked at me for a couple beats. She played with the handle of her mug as she did. I looked down and took another bite. Breakfast poutine. Fries and cheese and egg and breakfast meats. My stomach felt bottomless after three missed meals.

“That’s your final decision? With or without me?” She asked. I nodded. She looked over at Ellie. Ellie finished the food in her mouth.

“I guess.” She shrugged as she said it. “You say it like we’re breaking up. We’re all still friends.” She almost said that as a question. She looked around at both of us after she finished.

“Yeah.” Shannon sighed heavily. She took a few angry stabs with her spoon and very aggressively ate a mouthful of oatmeal.

“Fuck I hate both of you. Let’s finish this and then go.” She continued. Ellie and I looked at each other without really moving our eyes off her. She saw us hesitating and swallowed hard and put her spoon down.

“Yes, we were going to meet Lady a few hours from now, because I was under the impression this conversation would be a lot fucking longer. Instead, we’re gonna finish this and order my parents food, and then very quickly get it back to them before we head over to that clearing. I want to get this fucking over with.”

 

The shade still helped with the heat. The humidity was sky-high today and it almost felt tropical in the forest. The sun was off our necks, but the air still felt like walking on the bottom of a pool.

Shannon had grabbed Amy’s attention next time she made her rounds and ordered her parent’s food. It had come just as we finished. We’d paid and quickly downed the rest of our waters before heading back out into the heat. Her mom was lucky she hadn’t ordered ice-cream waffles or whatever other dairy-based dishes they had on the menu.

We were all sweating at different levels now. It had been an on-and-off thirty minutes of walking, from the Gull to Shannon’s place to the convenience store. We’d raided the cupboards and grabbed whatever random bottles we found and filled them at the tap. Shannon’s mom hadn’t even had to say anything; Shannon was the one who ordered it. Shannon’s mom had offered us each a couple oatmeal bars, however. We’d taken a backpack and thrown all of our stuff in it. It was currently Ellie’s stretch of time to haul that around.

Shannon’s theory had been that Lady would be here regardless of time. She had admitted to sitting there for a couple weeks waiting for us, so where else would she go now. Ellie and me had agreed.

We entered the clearing and winced at the sun. It seemed more direct here. Probably the consequence of spending a few minutes under thick leaves. We all held up a hand to block the light. It looked like we were waving at some invisible giant.

“Oh! You three are fairly early.” Lady sounded genuinely surprised. She was sitting up in one of the lower branches in the big tree.

“The conversation about all this was done a lot earlier than expected. So I thought it made sense to come here and not waste another few hours.” Shannon said.

“Luck was on your side again; I was just about to leave to talk with another entity in these woods.”

Shannon faltered at that a bit. Ellie looked around like something was going to come out of the trees.

“Not one of the dangerous ones. It’s something I was told to contact once I settled this situation with you three. Or found another group who was willing. It’s an ally.”

“What now?” I asked. A bit awkwardly. Not a great segue.

“I was going to have this prepared for you before you got here, but it looks like you’ll see me do it. Stay there until I’m finished, please.” Lady hopped down from the tree and hit the ground like it had only been a few inches.

She walked a bit away from the trunk and then turned to her left. After a few seconds I noticed something following her. Her tail was dragging and flattening the grass and where it touched it was trailing a line of blue light. The same colour as the world had been inside her pocket dimension and the same colour as her eyes.

I realized she was drawing a huge circle. At least the size of Shannon’s room. I sat down and watched in silence. Ellie followed me immediately as she saw the movement. Shannon stood for a minute more, but then held the back of her skirt against her legs and took a seat on the ground. We were oriented in a wide triangle as we stared at Lady, with Shannon at the front.

Lady finished the circle and immediately went inwards. Drew what ended up being three more smaller circles. Three points of a triangle, with the base facing the tree. She connected those with straight lines. Then went directly into the center and drew another circle within that triangle. Her tail lifted after that. She took a seat in the last circle and turned to face us.

“Take any a spot in any of the three remaining circles, please.” She asked warmly. Again, she seemed to smile without any sort of expression.

We all got up. Ellie and Shannon brushed the grass off their bottoms. Shannon turned slightly to check for stains. We walked forward and stood in a line before the diagram. The lines glowed blue. They were bright and harsh enough they could be seen through the grass at some spots.

Shannon looked over at me and then at Ellie. I nodded towards the drawing. Ellie just bobbed her head up and down a few times. Confirming she was ready. Shannon clenched her fists. When she released them I could see the small bits of ripped skin beside her fingernails. A couple had scabs on them. Something breaking up the otherwise really well-kept skin.

Her steps forward weren’t tentative or shy. She just went. Directly into the top spot of the triangle. Ellie and I walked around and settled on either side of her. Me to her right, Ellie to her left. We all turned inward to look at Lady.

“This is a ceremony. I can make this short and to the point. If you want to get this over with you can. But the old ways still apply to this, so stating your intentions and speaking your mind are encouraged. The forces that chose you saw traits within that they approved of, but telling them why you’re here or what motivates you to chase this power will let them know what kind of person they really chose.” Shannon said nothing. I took that as a sign she wanted to go last. Or at least not first. I took a breathe and opened my mouth. But Ellie beat me to it.

“Uh, I didn’t say a lot in comparison to you two to argue for this. I agreed with Pandora. I said I wanted to help people and that this could be to us what Shannon’s career choice is for her. But, uh, before this I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I still don’t, I guess. I know this isn’t going to pay my bills and it’s not something to replace school or a job. But while I deal with that I can do this. And it feels like I’m moving forward now. That I can be more like my friend and more like the person I want to be because I’ve found something I can do that gives me a purpose and that I can say makes the world better.” She took a shaky breath after that. It was a lot of words for her. In a lot of different ways.

Shannon still said nothing. She was looking at her feet now, after meeting Ellie’s gaze throughout her speech. Fuck. I’d been running through ten different variations of what I could say in my head and also trying to pay attention to Ellie and now it was all just mushing together in my brain.

“I’ve lived in this town my whole life. With my mom and my dad and my brother at first. She’s dead. Nate’s in Toronto. And now it feels like everything around here is closing in on me. Because at home all my dad’s shit has moved up to eleven and I’m the only one there to focus on and outside we’re supposed to be thinking about careers and post-secondary and the rest of our lives being on the horizon. Ellie said she didn’t know what she was gonna do and I agree. It feels like quicksand dragging me down and I tried to struggle and now it’s just easier to stop and relax and ignore it and not care. I don’t care about any of it. I don’t want to do this for another ten or twenty or thirty or whatever years because it already feels endless. And because every adult I see looks like they want to do anything but what they’re doing.” I swallowed. A lot of words for me as well. I was feeling prickling at my eyes. Fuck you. I kept my face neutral and dug my nails into my palm. Tried not to clench my jaw because it would be noticeable.

“I want this. Because I can try to do something good without getting dragged into whatever everyone else in the world seems to have been dragged into.” I kept my hands clenched. Looked down at my feet. Tensed my toes inside my Converse as a distraction.

“Both of you said you’d do this without me. You’re both assholes for that, I’d like you to know. Because now I have to join this whole thing. Both of you would have agreed yesterday without a second thought, I can for sure see that now. So I agree that we can do good. I’m never going to be against that. But I’m here because my friends need me, because without me they’re going to dive head-first into the fucking abyss with no one to hold them back. I could do what you guys suggested and stand by, and you could tell me stories of this between classes and after school. That would be fun. Like a movie or a TV show. I’d be safe while getting to hear all of this magic and this excitement. But if you guys died and I knew I could have been there to tell you not to do whatever you did that killed you, I’d never sleep again.”

Lady nodded. I was tired now. I rubbed my eyes and then immediately stopped. Possibly looked like I was crying. Ellie was standing with her hands folded in front of her. Shannon was standing straighter than I’ve ever seen her and looking down at Lady.

“These three magi have stated their desires and their motives. They have all been heard. None have been denied.” That lack of sound was coming back now. Along with a thumping in my eyes. Like I could hear my heart. Shannon and Ellie were both breathing heavier. Almost panting liked dogs.

“Do you three accept this power and the role that follows it, to seek danger beyond any being of this realm knows and do anything within your new power to stop it?” Lady asked. Her voice sounded stronger now. The tone hadn’t changed and she wasn’t shouting. But there was something behind it.

“Yes.”

“Yes.”

“Yes.”

The diagram flashed. Bright enough it was like the sun had exploded. I thought for a moment that was the price I was paying. My eyes. No more seeing. But it faded.

We all took in a shaky breath at the same time. Like we’d all come up for air from a deep lake. My legs shook. So I sat down. It was more like collapsing. The two limbs almost tangled with each other as I tried to orient them correctly on the way down. Shannon and Ellie did the same thing.

The diagram was faded, now. More light gray than blue-white. The loud drum in my ear was gone. And when Lady spoke, the energy behind her voice was normal again. She sounded motherly and caring, like the first time we’d seen her.

“The contract is complete. Welcome, magi.”